Social anxiety: when fear of what others think of you starts to run your life
It is not shyness. Shyness is a personality tendency that can cause discomfort in social situations but does not stop you functioning. Social anxiety is something else: an intense, persistent and paralysing fear of other people’s judgement that is triggered by everyday social situations, causes very real physical anxiety, and leads you to avoid more and more situations until your social life is greatly reduced. And all of this creates an inner loneliness that is very hard to admit, because the anxiety itself makes it difficult to seek help.
Social anxiety is one of the most common anxiety disorders, and also one of the slowest to be treated, precisely because people who have it tend to put it down to their personality or believe it is something they must overcome on their own. It is not personality. It is a problem that can be treated effectively.
Social anxiety, also called social anxiety disorder or social phobia, is an intense and persistent fear of social or performance situations in which a person fears being watched, judged negatively or doing something embarrassing. It is not a fear of people in the abstract: it is a fear of judgement, ridicule, humiliation and being exposed.
What defines it is not only the anxiety in the moment, but the anticipatory anxiety beforehand, the avoidance of anything that might trigger that fear, and the real impact this has on daily functioning. A person with social anxiety reacts this way not only when they are in the feared situation, but also at the prospect of having to face it.
What lies emotionally behind it
From the perspective of Emotion-Focused Therapy, we understand that at the core of social anxiety there is a very deep shame and an image of yourself as deficient or inadequate in front of others. It is not that the person thinks they will do something wrong: they believe, automatically and in a way that is hard to question, that if others really see them they will find something that is not right. That something about them does not deserve to belong, is not good enough, will be ridiculed.
That belief almost always has roots in earlier experiences: episodes of humiliation or mockery, very critical or demanding environments, or experiences of exclusion that left a deep mark on how the person sees themselves in relation to others. Social anxiety does not come from nowhere: it has a history.
Social anxiety often occurs alongside other difficulties, such as depression, generalised anxiety or problematic alcohol use. Alcohol in particular is often used as self-medication to get through social situations, adding a layer of dependence that complicates the picture.
The most commonly feared situations
Public speaking or giving presentations, at work or in education, is the most common fear and the one that most limits professional development.
Everyday social interactions that are neutral for most people: starting or keeping up a conversation, making phone calls, asking for something in a shop, asking questions in a meeting.
Performance or evaluation situations: eating or drinking in public, signing in front of others, writing while someone is watching, any situation where you feel observed.
Social gatherings where you do not know everyone, parties, events where you have to meet new people.
Situations involving authority: talking to managers, teachers or anyone who might evaluate or judge you.
How it shows up
Intense anticipatory anxiety days or weeks before social situations, with repetitive thoughts about what might go wrong.
Physical symptoms in the feared situation: blushing, sweating, trembling hands or voice, palpitations, shortness of breath, going blank. Many of these symptoms cause further shame because they are visible.
Safety behaviours that bring short-term relief but reinforce the fear: speaking as little as possible, avoiding eye contact, obsessively preparing what to say, looking for the quickest way out.
Progressive avoidance that slowly but steadily shrinks your social, professional and personal life. Opportunities turned down, relationships that never start, experiences given up.
Rumination afterwards: after a social situation, the person mentally goes over everything they said or did, looking for evidence that they came across badly. That rumination reinforces the belief that something really did go wrong.
At Tierra de Crecimiento Psicología we work with social anxiety through the shame and self-image at its root, not only through techniques to manage anxiety in the moment. This means we do not work only on social skills or relaxation techniques, although we develop those tools too. We help each person understand where the belief of not being good enough in front of others comes from, transform their relationship with their own self-image from within, and develop the ability to be in social situations without the fear of judgement taking over.
We work on anticipatory anxiety, rumination afterwards, the automatic thoughts that amplify perceived social danger, and gradual exposure to avoided situations, always after emotional work that builds the resources needed for that exposure to be transformative rather than retraumatising.
The goal is not to become an extrovert or someone who enjoys social situations if that is not who you are. The goal is for fear to stop being what decides what you can and cannot do.
When social anxiety is very intense or coexists with depression or other emotional difficulties, therapy can be complemented by a medical assessment that considers medication, always as an additional tool alongside the emotional work.
If something you have read resonates with you, we can help. Contact us for an initial, no-commitment consultation.
You do not need to wait until the distress is unbearable to ask for help. If you like, we can have a free, no-commitment 15-minute chat and look at how to approach it.
Or call us on +34 678 115 189. The first 15-minute call is free, in Madrid or by video call.
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